After three years of having dependency on one single person each year, each of which shaped my life due to that dependency, I came to college this year with a realization that there was something wrong with me. Something wrong with the idea that I had had a man by my side every day of the last three years. It would be different if it had been one man, but instead I seemed to have a new man for every year. This made me realize that I have a problem with being alone, and I like to face my problems. So we broke up, without my having a back-up, without stumbling into a new relationship by coincidence. No, when we broke up I was facing the unknown alone. As dramatic as it sounds, this is how I felt, and how I still feel, which has proven to me that there is, indeed, a problem.
I started this blog because I can't handle all of it anymore. This break up has put me over the edge. As much as I love them, my friends' advice has only lead me so far, and I have decided to look inward instead, in hopes of finding the solace I apparently need so desperately. I can't handle the pressure of school, of getting into vet school, of being alone, all by myself. It's just too much.
Maybe, in time, writing these things down with essentially compartmentalize my life, and clear my mind of all my arbitrary worries. I just don't quite understand how other people, science majors specifically, walk around each day without imploding from anxiousness. I could stop trying, stop caring, but there is something inside me that has never allowed me to do so. Getting a 3.8 GPA even puts me on edge. I worry constantly that if I don't maintain my 3.9 that my life will be in ruins, I won't make it into vet school, my lifelong dream will be shattered. But then, I am starting to realize that there is something to be said for enjoying every year of your life. If I don't start enjoying it now, will I ever learn to?
I constantly feel sad and alone, as successful as I am in school, and I don't want that anymore. We broke up so I could find who I am, but I really haven't had the chance to figure that out yet. All it is is work, grades, learning, all the time. This is my one escape, and even now it is still in the back of my mind. It will always be in the back of my mind.
Physics is calling.
